Darkness on 12/31/15

Warning: I am going to say this now, and it will hold true. This will, by far, be the most negative post I’ve written all year. I am not currently in a good place, and if you’re happy or enjoying yourself, do not, under any circumstances read this post. Unless you want to feel worse about yourself, don’t read this post. I will say this one last time: THIS IS THE MOST NEGATIVE POST I’VE WRITTEN ALL YEAR, AND UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO GO THROUGH WITH READING SOMETHING THAT HAS A GREAT CHANCE AT MAKING YOU FEEL WORSE, DON’T READ THIS. This is not a post I’d usually write, but write now, for myself, it’s necessary. So, without further ado, the post:

I feel absolutely terrible. There are people way worse off then me in the world, right now, I will concede, but for all that I can see, I’m in a terrible place.

I’m alone. On New Year’s Eve. On what was first opportunity to make a good experience, and to have fun and celebrate the ringing in of the New Year, I’m alone.

All of my friends are either surrounded by friends or family or other loved ones, and I’m alone. I don’t understand why.

I thought I had friends, but I guess I really don’t. My parents are asleep. People lied to me, and are out doing things. People are doing things without me. No one thought of me, and for everyone that I reached out to, I’m still alone.

To be fair, I did spend a good amount of time with Derek today. But he was tired, and so he wen home to sleep. But I can’t sleep.

Someone who’s previously put me through emotional hell had decided that today would be a good day to make me feel absolute desolation in my relationship to them.

I’m just… I’m alone again. I spent all of 2015 alone, and I get to ring in 2016 the exact same way.

I think I’ve reached my peak. I’m done. My content-ness has faded, and my ability to keep the facade of any happiness going is also gone. I’m done.

When 2016 hits, all that I will ask for is mercy. All I wish for is not to care for my own loneliness, to not be surprised when others hurt and disappoint me. All I really want from my 2016 is the strength to carry on, alone, and to deal with whatever pain may come my way.

This year has come and gone, and I am still as alone as I’ve been my entire life. This next year I sincerely doubt will be any different. As far as everything else goes, I guess things don’t really change.

I hope you, dear reader, get to (or got to, if it is already 2016 by the time you’re reading this) be surrounded by love when the year changes. Be careful and good to yourself in this next year. Reach out to others. Love one another. And most importantly, don’t lose your inner peace.

Take it from me, though I seem to have lost it, that inner peace will be more than enough to get you through your darkest moments. Pray for me, as I deal with mine.



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