So, I just got out of RCIA. [For those that don’t know what RCIA is, it stands for “Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults,” and is the Catholic Church’s official way of welcoming people into the church. Here at Regis, though, it’s also for people who have received some of the Sacraments (Baptism and First Communion, in my case), but are missing others (Confirmation, for example).]
So, I just got out of RCIA, and today we met to talk about Call and Vocation, and what those things mean. Now, for me, Vocation is a term that I’ve been… dealing with. It has nothing to do with my opinion of the term, but what it means for me.
For me, it means I don’t have my life together, which is, to be frank, terrifying. I don’t like the looming feeling of uncertainty as to what I want to do with my life. It’s especially difficult when you’re not stuck between a good choice and a bad choice, but two or more good choices. It’s not that I don’t know if I’m called to the priesthood or not, it’s figuring out whether it’s the priesthood, or the married life, or the consecrated single life.
[If that doesn’t make sense, please take into account that I’m currently talking about, what Catholics refer to as “Big V” or “Capital V” Vocations, and not “little” or “lowercase v” vocations, such as a multitude of careers, or possible ministries. “Big V” Vocations include lifestyle choices, such as marriage, ordination or call to religious life, or a consecrated single life.]
I think, sometimes, I might make a great priest, and specifically, a great Jesuit. I could work as a parish priest, or at a High School or University, or in a variety of other ministries, such as the media, or with refugees, or advocating for the rights of the undocumented or the homeless or the poor. Really, I could do a lot.
But then I think about marriage, and how some day I might want to be a dad, and how difficult all of that is to juggle. And I know I’m only 19, and still have two and a half years left of college, but while dealing with these questions is hard, I feel like I need to struggle with the discernment for a long while. At least, that’s what I think, knowing myself.
Oh, and don’t get my started about my “little v”vocation struggles…
But you know, it’s good to struggle. It’s good to not know, and to try to find out. It’s good to talk about this, and write about it, and pray about it, and to weird other people out about it. It’s good to know that I’m uncertain, and while there is a lot of difficulty in my soul in that uncertainty, it makes me stronger.