I’ve lost a lot of friends in my time. Part of it has been though happenstance, or at least forces I couldn’t, at the time, change. For example, being very little, and moving to a new city, a new state, a new school.
Other times, you just grow apart. You know that, though you were great friends at one point, you are very different now, and those differences don’t really seem to be reconcilable. There might not be any specific moment where you’ve decided to not be friends, as it usually happens through negligence of the relationship, and a loss of communication.
Then, there’s the type of friendship where it’s hectic, and everything in that friendship seems to be going on a tailspin. Those are the messy ones. Those are the ones that hurt, like a breakup, with every once of your being. Not always do both parties hurt, and often enough one hurts more than the other. But these are probably the worst.
There are other, different types of losses of friendship, and probably many that derive from more than one type, but this is a basic overview.
I think I might possibly be losing, if I haven’t already lost, one of my closest friends. I have lost the one person who understood me more than anyone else, who was willing to have ALL of the discussions with me. They were willing to talk Theology and Spirituality, Hamlet, music, race and culture, politics, personal stuff, etc. They were willing to let me cry when I needed it, and not feel shame or weakness. On the contrary, they made me feel stronger for allowing myself to be vulnerable.
And yes, this person has hurt me a lot. This person has many flaws, and they are no saint. But neither am I. Neither are you. I cannot judge them, that is not my place. My place is to try and love, and sometimes to fail at loving. My job is to realize that I’m not perfect, and neither are they, but maybe I can try and work towards that, with them?
Jesuit Spirituality concerns itself a lot with Consolation and Desolation, and reflection as a means to navigate the two in our daily experiences. My inner world is so torn by this, that I just don’t know what I feel. I don’t feel much consolation in this friendship right now, but at the same time I feel pure desolation when I think of letting go, of stopping trying, in this friendship.
Right now, all I want to do is apologize. If you’re reading this, please forgive me. I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry on the interwebs, but also, no one actually reads this blog, and when I can’t write, I rant. This is one of those rants. Please forgive me. I’d rather this not be the moment where you’ve lost a friend (or where I’ve lost you).
Please, whoever ends up reading this damn blog post, pray for me.