So, it’s been a rough last couple of weeks, emotionally. I’m doing okay, honestly, but it’s just been very trying. Some of that (hopefully not too much) has reflected in how I have reacted to other aspects of my life (like not posting for something like two weeks). Honestly, it’s been a little rough, and the break downs have actually been happening fairly frequently. But all that’s reminded me is that it’s okay to cry, that life moves on, regardless of whether we do or not, so we might as well move on too, and that the things about emotions is that they demand to be felt.
But I have great friends, I’ve realized. I still don’t tell anyone the majority of what I feel, and even writing this feels strange. I still don’t know how exactly to express how I feel and to be okay with what’s going on, but that’s totally fine. That’s why we learn. I’m a trooper. I carry on, regardless. Even in the darkest parts of my life, if someone needs me I will be there to console them, to help them, because in helping others I help myself. I am strong because I have been strong for others when I thought I couldn’t even be strong for myself.
I Can go the distance, even if I feel that I can’t. I can, and I will. Thank you, Hercules, for that.
Tonight was especially trying. I had to sing a song, “Nel Cor Piu Non Mi Sento,” from the opera, La Molinara, which was… interesting. I forgot half of the words. But even besides that, the song is about tormented love (
OH MY GOSH, REALLY???), and how the lover of the speaker is the cause of this torment and love ( YOU CANNOT HAVE PLACED THIS MORE ON THE NOSEEEEE). But it’s supposed to be… comedic. Could I get there? No. I mean, yes, only after the song, when I was getting grilled during the Performance Class for forgetting the words, but not during the song itself.
But it became a little more difficult when my friend, the beautiful and talented Sarah (she has a boyfriend, but she’s still awesome), performed a song called “i carry your heart,” by John Duke, which is a beautiful setting of the poem of the same name by e.e. cummings. That poem is very special, and sentimental, and dear to my heart, and I cried during that freaking song. I started crying, and I just couldn’t stop. It was hard. But I needed to cry. I hugged Sarah afterwards, and congratulated her on both singing amazing, and crying. I don’t think she understood why I cried so much, but it was very necessary.
I’m grateful for this sadness and pain, I just hope that God will use it to make me stronger, or whatever he intends.