So, ambivalence means, “simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings toward an object, person, or action.” (Or at least it does according to Merriam-Webster.com. But what do they know, right?)
I feel like I experienced that precise feeling today.
Well, here’s the background for the story you know you were going to read as soon as you read that last line. I usually walk home after school, or whatever. I’m currently doing Pit Orchestra for my school’s musical theatre production, and so we got out at like 6 today. Most of my friends drive, and I don’t (yet). Oh, last thing, today was kind of a struggle, and not just an academic/productiveness struggle, as it usually is.
So, as I was getting ready to walk home, my friends all noticed that I wasn’t feeling okay (in the, not sick, and not getting sick, but still not feeling okay, kind of way), which was a totally valid observation to make. But usually when I’m like this, I walk home to try to clear my head, and think things through. Anyways, my friends were all very worried, and while it was nice and reassuring to feel that my friends cared and worried about me, it was a little… off-setting, when they all wanted to drive me home. I’m okay walking, most of the time. It wasn’t fairly late, and the sun would still be out for a while. While it was true that it was getting cold outside, I knew that my jacket would more than suffice to get me home, tonight.
But all of this is sort of rationalizing, isn’t it? My friends had a sincere gesture to show that they cared, especially when they knew I wasn’t feeling great, and I was sort of being a butt about it.
So I took the offer… after my friends made it clear that they were not going to let me not take it. But hey, that’s love… sort of?
It was a weird experience. I feel very conflicted about it, even though it was so… little. But that’s life, I guess.
Is there a lesson here? Not really. What was the point in this post? This blog is called “the Daily Jorge” for a reason…
But more than anything, I feel like this is a strange apology?
I apologize for being a butt. And making you people worry, if you’re reading this. I love all of you, and I’m sorry.
I’m feeling a lot better than I was when I went through the whole car/walking ordeal, but I can’t help feel ambivalent because of the feelings the experience brought up. And I guess that’s also life.
Anyway, I’m probably just reading into this too much. goodnight, world!